bless this mess

by xavier fernandez

dedicated to my grandma.

i bought fabric from this guy in japan. i want to make a pair of shorts or something-something that would make him proud.

CONCRETE JUNGLE

one time i was eating a bag of pretzels in brooklyn and watched this totally normal, unsuspecting, healthy looking dude see one of the pretzels i previously dropped on the ground, kick it, take a few steps, bend over, pick it up and eat it after he looked around and thought nobody saw him. it was crazy. it made me think of that john rocker video. i sort of felt like him except i was a little more amazed... no other significant difference.

you could probably be fully naked and have your dick and ass out on the subway, somebody would still try to sit next to you if the train was packed enough. it's beautiful. i was only there for like two weeks, i can only imagine the kind of sights you'd see if you actually lived there everyday. it's probably awesome living there at my age. you could like start a band, smoke buckets of cigarettes, wear skinny jeans like the strokes... you could get addicted to heroin like the strokes. and then maybe have a stroke or something. (good one bro.) or you could just be broke as shit and be forced to eat dust sandwiches.

new york city,

june 2025

the ultimate

breakfast croissant sandwich!

PREFACE

lets be honest. you didn't eat breakfast today. you probably don't know what a balanced breakfast looks like. nah i bet you did eat breakfast actually. it was probably some bullshit ass lucky charms or something. or even worse, those poser ass 0 sugar, protein slop cereals. fuck you. you're a pig. things gotta change or else you're probably going to die of cancer. well you don't have to worry anymore. i brought of my two closest culinary school-trained chef friends together and we created the perfect dish to start your day with. we're going to share our simple 5 ingredient recipe on how to make a delicious croissant sandwich. lets go!

the recipe

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 croissant
• 1 scrambled egg
• 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
• 1 teaspoon of blueberry jam
• 1 jimmy dean sausage patty

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. slice your croissant in half horizontally.
2. spread mayonnaise on both sides and place halves on the stove on medium heat.
3. once the croissant is toasted, throw the scrambled eggs and jimmy dean in the pan.
4. wait for the jimmy dean to cook all the way through and make sure the eggs have a solid omelette like consistency.
5. chop up the J.D. to your heart's desire.
6. assemble your breakfast like so: spread blueberry jam on one side, place sausage on top. then put your egg on the other half and combine together.

and thats it! you made yourself the ultimate sweet, savory, but also most importantly nutritious breakfast sandwich. consider your mornings saved and your days properly energized.

fig. 1. jimmy dean frozen sausage and blueberry jam on a cutting board

CONCLUSION

to wrap things up i just wanted to say how proud i am of how incredible our recipe turned out. mm. so good. we also made a instructional video guys for you guys at home who are visual learners. although, in the video, it may seem like i thought this sandwich was stank, i actually thought it was super delicious and yummy and i think i could eat one of these croissants every single day. feel free to share this recipe with your friends. and maybe even pass this recipe down to your children. love.